I Guess It's About Time...

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself to the APUG Community' started by noblebeast, Jul 14, 2005.

  1. noblebeast

    noblebeast Member

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    ...that I introduce myself.

    I knew I was special and destined for greatness from the moment of my conception, over forty years ago. In fact, while still a fetus I invented the microprocessor chip. But because of those damn Liberal Democratic Demons in office, and only because of them, I was not allowed as a fetus to patent my very brilliant invention, thereby losing out on my first billion dollars because of immoral, evil pseudo-politicians who are afraid of and intimidated by my greatness.

    When I was in the fourth grade I invented a time travel machine which enabled me to go back in history and right a great many wrongs, which you in the present time can't appreciate because they now, thanks to me, haven't happened. (Someone in that dank cesspool called Hollywood stole my story for an insipid Television show a few years back, but I can't discuss that as much as I would like because of a pending lawsuit [I also hold a law degree, and several doctorates in many different fields, if I haven't mentioned that yet]. But rest assured, they will pay!) I was unfortunately prevented from doing further good, as well as receiving a patent on my machine, when that damn Ted Kennedy stole my machine and drove it in his car off a bridge. They're always out to get me!

    But while in the past I was for a brief time Edward Weston's produce vendor, and brought to his attention a particular pepper. "Look, Edward," I said, "you can see the curve of a woman's buttock in this pepper." The rest as you know is photographic history, but I am not bitter about not receiving my share of the credit for this wonderful image. It did serve to interest me in photography, and now you'll be gratified to learn that in the near future I'll be putting my vast intellect, unstoppable creative juices and tremendous humility to the task of changing photography for the better, FOREVER!

    By the way, I hate digital photography.

    I know I am on the precipice of far greater things than any of you can imagine with your puny minds, but don't worry - I have taken a sacred vow not to rub my wonderful accomplishments in any of your vacant faces. I'm just here for the good of all, and to make my first $10,000 before the age of fifty.

    So, with my beautiful and intelligent dog, and my faithful lady Ol' Shep by my side, the world is my oyster waiting to be shucked.

    Now, you may welcome me. (But I would be careful about making any derogatory statements out of your understandable jealousy - did I mention my law degree?)
     
  2. jd callow

    jd callow Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    we aren't worthy, we aren't worthy, we aren't worthy.
     
  3. jimgalli

    jimgalli Subscriber

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    ROTFLMAO. I love it. BTW there was a sale on Ebay about 6 months ago that I REALLY wanted. Maybe you could...........
     
  4. David Brown

    David Brown Subscriber

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    :D :D :D :D :cool:
     
  5. Michel Hardy-Vallée

    Michel Hardy-Vallée Membership Council Council

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    I'm glad you're nearly as good as I am, because frankly I can't bear to suffer the fact that most people are so ordinary and unqualified to raise above the level of my pinky. It's been incredibly hard to cope with the feeling of easy victories and moral superiorities that plagues my existence as a successful artist, seller, writer, producer, businessman, cinema mogul, casino expert, badger hunter, elite trapeze trainer, extreme mountaineer, and all-around hot lover. I hope I can beat you in all aspects of your life with more effort than I usually have to expend, so that my real values can truly shine against all odds.

    But hey! I'm just an ordinary dude with a lot of willpower. Anything is possible when you really want to. I'm an exception, but I have a good heart.
     
  6. rogueish

    rogueish Member

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    Ahhh!
    My arch nemesis finally reveals himself.
    Call forth my evil (yet witless) henchmen, and release the hounds!
     
  7. Andy K

    Andy K Member

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    42. Here I am, brain the size of a planet...
     
  8. BradS

    BradS Subscriber

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    What chair?
     
  9. gr82bart

    gr82bart Subscriber

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    Welcome! That was rich.

    Art.
     
  10. Claire Senft

    Claire Senft Member

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    There may be a photography magazine that is willing to hire you as Executive V.P. if you ae smart enough.
     
  11. SchwinnParamount

    SchwinnParamount Subscriber

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    And I am so priveledged to know that NobleBeast here throws a leg over the VERY SAME bicycle frame I used to ride. It kind of gives me a star-struck feeling all over again.
     
  12. Bob F.

    Bob F. Member

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    ROFLMFAO!

    Brill!
     
  13. noblebeast

    noblebeast Member

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    Oh! Remind me to tell you about the time I invented the bicycle. The story kept Lance Armstrong enthralled the entire time I was teaching him how to win stage races (of course the real secret to his success is merely the knowledge that I believe in him, such is the power of MY positive thinking).
     
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  15. jjstafford

    jjstafford Inactive

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    I was there when God created Man. As he was working on the spine I said, "Not a good design. You know eventually that thing's going to want to stand on two legs and walk." He laughed out loud, then went on to add wisdom teeth. God, he was a mean drunk.
     
  16. Lee L

    Lee L Member

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    Dear No Bull Beast,

    Welcome! Man, have I been waiting for you to show up! I've been getting heavy fb+f with Rodinal 1:100 stand development and APX 400, and my tap water has so much calcium in it that it leaves deposits on my film. Since you must know everything about this problem, please give me the correct amount of sodium ascorbate and borax to add to bring down the fb+f and times, temps, and dilutions for gammas of .50, .55, .60, and .65.

    Although you didn't mention it, you have extensive and exhaustive knowledge of darkroom work, right? Turns out the last guy full of promises hadn't even processed a roll yet. I've only been using high dilution Rodinal + additives myself for 30 years (starting with info provided by someone who'd been doing it for 30 years before I started), so I'm sure you know better than I what to do.

    Lee
     
  17. Andy K

    Andy K Member

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    I likes th' purty pichurs.
     
  18. noblebeast

    noblebeast Member

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    Lee L, the answer is simple: move somewhere with less calcium in the water! Why should I waste my intellectual faculties on such mundane queries. Yet I do, for such is my largesse and my good heart. Rodinal! I rue the day I ever came up with that chemical formula!
     
  19. Lee L

    Lee L Member

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    Geez! Why didn't I think of that? It's so simple and elegant. I should have taken advantage of your wisdom 16 years ago, before I moved. But I was young (35) and so unbelievably full of myself that I probably wouldn't have listened to your sage advice.

    Lee

    "... but I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now."
     
  20. bobfowler

    bobfowler Subscriber

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    Ah HA! I knew it! True GENIUS!!!

    For those who haven't read "Surf Zombies and Other Horrors", you can never fully appreciate the intellect of our own Noble Beast!

    Hint: get the book...
     
  21. Lee Shively

    Lee Shively Member

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    ...and to think, you were here for over 200 posts and we did not recognize your greatness.

    Please forgive us, Oh Noble One. We have committed sins against thee in our ignorance!
     
  22. Marc Leest

    Marc Leest Member

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  23. mark

    mark Member

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    LMAO Okay smarty pants how do I get the diet pepsi/snot mixture off my screen and out of my keyboard.
     
  24. colrehogan

    colrehogan Member

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    EWWW!!! GROSS!!! :sad:
     
  25. David

    David Member

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    Oh, would you, could you send to me a piece of cloth or some artifact that you've touched? It would be a daily reminder to remember my humble place in the order of things where the natural superiority of others (even magazine publishers) shines like the sun. I'm thinking of giving up photography because I'll never be as good, smart, fine-looking, talented or up-myself as others.

    I'd like to climb the summit of all human achievement and look down on all you other mere mortals, but alas and alack, the position seems to have been already taken. Could you just tell me one thing, please: What's it like to be better and smarter than everyone else? Thank you in advance for your magnaminious answer. I humbly await your reply. :cool:
     
  26. Michel Hardy-Vallée

    Michel Hardy-Vallée Membership Council Council

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    Oh great one, do you think we're worthy enough to succionate your penile appendage?