I'm feeling more than slightly down at present and (in a community of this size) reckon that there's a statistical likelihood that a few others will be feeling the same way. So, I thought a thread allowing us to air our favourite awful old jokes might be in order (non-awful young jokes are also permissible as long as they're favourites!). E.g.

Man: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth!
Doctor: Well... I'm sorry to hear that, but it's not really my speciality. You should see the psychiatrist down at the end of the hall.
Man: Yes, I was on my way there. But, I was passing, and your light was on...

Next!

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

Pour gasoline over the cat and then toss a match at it..."woof!"

There was this guy that thought he was a grain of corn, so he would become scared when he would see a chicken.

After some yers with a head shrink, one day the shrink says:

- So, you still think you're a grain of corn ?
- Of course not! I'm a man!
- Wonderful, so let's go into a hen house!
- No way!
- But why? Don't you know you are a man?

I do. But the chickens don't!

A nun and a priest are playing golf, so the priest tees off and curses "damm slice", the nun upset, asks him not to swear the name of God. So next hole same thing the priest hits another slice and curses "damm slice" so the nun says: "father please, if you are going to keep cursing I will have to leave the game" the priest says: "Yes, I apologize is just that this game makes me so mad, I promise I wont do it again, if I do may God strike me with lightning".

Next hole same thing the priest tee off and hits another slice and he curses "DAMM SLICE" and no sooner he said this the skies turn black and great big thunder shakes the ground and a bolt of lightning fries the nun......and then a voice from heaven is heard.....DAMM SLICE.....

A man had gotten into a bet with a buddy for a game of golf but needed a partner so he trotted out to the practice fairway to find a likely candidate. There was a gorilla smashing balls 300 yards so he walked over and recuited him to be his partner.

They started their round and the mans buddy hit a nice tee shot, he hit an ok one in the light rough, his buddies partner hit a nice shot down the middle and the gorilla belted the ball 300 yards onto the green. They all play their next few shots until they were on the green and it was the gorillas putt. The man thinks, hey we've got this in the bag... the gorilla swings, bang... 300yards!!!

I can never remember good jokes. All I can remember are things I've seen that struck me as funny. One was an ad in the personals section of the Dallas Observer. It read:

"Minimalist seeks woman."

One of my favorite awful jokes just may be the dumbest you'll hear...but I think thats why I find it so funny, and it still makes me laugh to this day. I learned it in the 5th grade so please take that into account...

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


A: Because it was dead. :-)

So this Kangaroo walks into a bar with a Banana in his ear...
No wait...
Aw nuts, I was never any good at telling jokes. :cry:

..

My wife dropped into my darkroom last night.

I had an inspiration: I poured developer down her shirt.
She never said a word - just poured fixer into my pants.

this old woman who was filthy rich was getting her affairs in order, and brought her priest, doctor and lawyer together for a meeting.

she said "i want to take all of my money with me when i die, so so i am going to give each of you 10 million dollars. at my funeral i want each of you to throw the suitcases into my grave"

each of the men agreed.

at her funeral each of the men stood by her grave and one by one threw something in.

afterwards they all went out for a drink -

the doctor was first: umm i have to confess the hospital needed a new children's wing, and i knew she would have been happy to donate the money if she knew about it, i threw an empty suitcase ..

the priest: umm i have to confess, the orphanage was in dire straits and if she were alive i am sure she would have helped, i only threw in 5 million and gave the rest to the orphanage ...

the lawyer: ummm i have to confess, i wrote a check ...

A man is out golfing one morning feeling really good about his game. He tees up his ball and lines up his driver and just smacks it down the fairway and ends up in the trees. When he finds his ball he notices a "V" in the tree trunk in front of him and he's sure he can hit the ball straight through it and on to the green.
He takes out his best iron and swings for all he is worth. The ball shoots straight out hits the tree, bounces back, hits him right between the eyes and kills him instantly.
Moments later, at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter sees that man before him. He looks at the man and says "You're a golfer are you?" The man answers "Yes". St. Peter says to him "Are you any good?" to which the golfer replies "I got here in 2 didn't I?"

000

Did you hear about the paternity suit against the nude photographer?

His model claimed that -during her overexposure, he contacted her with his projector, thereby causing an enlargement to develope. She want the judge to fixer up with support. The judge said it was a clear wash. Anyone who knew that much about photography, should have used a stop-bath.

A freind was sitting on a plane recently, next to a very attractive and obviously very wealthy woman. They started talking and then he noticed a very, and I mean very large diamond on her finger. He passed comment on it and she replied "Ah yes, it is the Bunkhole diamond, lovely isnt it. But it comes with a dreadful curse."

"What curse" my freind asked.

"Mr Bunkhole" came the reply........

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

A man sets down in a diner and asks for a cup of coffee, without cream. The waitress returns a moment later and says, "I'm sorry sir, we're out of cream today. Will you take your coffee without milk instead?"

A catholic father, a protestant priest and a jewish rabi are talking about how they handled money donated to the church.

Catholic:
I draw a line in the floor and stand on it. Then I trow the money up. What falls to the right is for God's work, to the left is for me.

Protestant:
I draw a circle in the floor and stay in the middle of it. Then I trow the money up. What falls inside is for God's work, outside is mine.

Jewish:
About the same. I trow the money up. What God wants he takes.

Ed,

Did that fix have hardner in it?

Thank you all for such a great response. Special mentions:

Jorge: Loved it!

Aggie: ROTFL! (and I may be only a Brit, but when I make chilli the bottom melts out of the pan!)

Ailsa: Brilliant! I could nominate a few more professions for that one too!

A Scotsman watches the National Lottery every week, and every week prays hard to be the winner. "Please Lord, this week! I beg of you Lord, this time!"

This goes on week after week without success until finally a booming but weary voice answers him from above. "Give me a fighting chance, Hamish. Buy a ticket!"

Keep 'em coming!

Roy Rogers had a birthday, and Dale had given him a new pair of shoes, quite fancy in fact. As it was a few of his ranch hands had to be out on the back forty repairing a fence and Roy being a good friend to all of them he decides to saddle up Trigger and ride out to see them and show off his new pair of shoes. Halfway there a wildcat burst out of the brush and attacked him. In the ensueing battle Roys shoes were shredded to a fine lacework. Getting away and quite miffed he went back to the ranch house to get his shotgun, intending to rid the ranch of such a dangerous creature. Dale wanted to know all about it.
So here he is, he found the varmint and blasted airholes all through it with the shot gun and tied it over his saddle. As he rode up to the ranch house Dale spied him. She ran out to him singing-

(sing it folks)

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed yer new shoes?"

:P

Two friends are out hiking in the woods. They reach a clearing and decide that it would be a good place to set up camp. Well they set up everything, and then kick back to relax after all there hard work. Just then they see accross the clearing a great big ole grizzley bear, who now sees them also and starts running at them. One of the campers starts to hurry up and put on his shoes. His friends says to him, "what are you dooing man, you can't outrun a bear" to which he replys, " I know, all I need to do is outrun you!"

There once was a girl named Dawn,
Who just couldn't stop a yawn,
this untimely antic,
made her boy friend panic,
and before she could come, he had gone!

Ed,
Did that fix have hardner in it?

I *KNEW* someone would think of that!!!

..