Can't handle photography anymore (rant to self)

[decolorante]

I have been registered to APUG for some time, lurking all the forums and learning huge lots of information from everyone here (thanks very much to all of you!). But I never stepped up to write something myself. I simply didn't feel qualified to give advice, and afraid to ask something already asked.

So this is the first time I write here, because the problem I have right now doesn't deal with dilutions, agitation, films, contrast control or stuff like that. It deals with my mind. I hope I'll find someone who was where I am now and managed to get out of it.

Once upon a time I was an happy boy, running around with my $120 consumer compact digital camera, taking pictures of what I wanted. I have always had the "eye" for composition and emotional value of depicted scenes, so even if I had zero knowledge about photography my pictures were superior compared to those made by others at my level. I was very happy with them and showed them to my friends, published them wherever I could. I knew I had no serious skills, but it didn't matter: I was content with that. People enjoyed my pictures because they were full of emotions and meanings.

I discovered traditional photography out of scientific curiosity: the finding of an article on pinhole cameras got me started. I just couldn't believe that photographs were printed like this, "back in the days"! I got a pack of expired photo-paper for a good price from a local store, built a simple wooden camera and had fun with it.

From that to roll film, the step was short. I learned and learned, I got a Bronica, I got an enlarger, I started printing seriously. At first my prints were really bad, but it didn't matter. Like when I had my $120 consumer digicam, I was happy that I could `tell stories` with my images and people would `listen` because they actually liked what they saw. I had a theme and a message, and I made images that conveyed them.

But as I continued learning more and more, and as I became better and better at printing, I got in the awful situation where I find myself now.

My images don't talk anymore. I have no more ideas. My creativity is dead since I have been involved in the vast world of the technical bits of photography. I can't focus on content: therefore my pictures are devoid of any significance- and moreover, I am never happy with their technical quality, which is what I (wrongly) aim for.

Every roll I develop makes me wonder why I shot it in the first place. Sometimes I just freak out and unroll them in bright sunlight without even trying to process them. Every print demolishes my self-esteem to a greater extent. I am now ashamed of showing my images to friends, even if photographers that I respect have told me that I am very good and much better than before. I don't believe them. Each frame shows me that I lack in something. I am totally cursed by the will of finding the `definitive workflow` that works for me, and that will magically allow me to focus on content again. And I never manage to!

There is so much to care about! The bits here and there, that I wasn't even able to see when I first started. Oh why, why did I step into this world of technicality? Why can't I be just happy by religiously following the manufacturer's specifications? Why can't I just pick up any film the store has and be okay with it?

I don't enjoy photography anymore but I can't avoid doing it, it's like a craving. It takes up almost all my time, and my photos make no sense. I don't have a portfolio because I eventually rip and toss all my prints: I can't convince myself that they are any good. I end up frustrated and stressed day after day.

Oh, I can't believe I wrote that- but it is true. Yes, photography is a pain for me. It makes me suffer. I have the dream that someday I will be so technically good that I could embrace creativity again, and this gives me the energy to keep hitting my head on the wall again and again...

Why can't that dream just die? If it did, I could simply drop photography and pick up some other hobby. I mean, I wasn't going to be a real photographer anyway.

Sorry. I acknowledge this post is useless. But I had to tell someone, I just couldn't keep it for myself anymore.

Please forgive me.

[Sim2]

Once upon a time I was an happy boy, running around with my $120 consumer compact digital camera, taking pictures of what I wanted. I have always had the "eye" for composition and emotional value of depicted scenes, so even if I had zero knowledge about photography

Please forgive me.

First off, welcome to the forums.

You didn't know anything technical before, you don't know anything technical now - what has changed?

You are, unfortunately, on a classic learning curve.

Unconcious incompetence - the person is unaware of what they don't know.
Concious imcompetence - the person is aware of what they don't know.
Concious competence - the person is aware & has to think of what they now know.
Unconcious competence – the person is unaware of having to think about what they now know.

You are trying a different branch or style of picture taking, of which you know little. Of course it will be difficult and frustrating - most learning is. The technical side is best learnt, might be a case of swallowing your pride and enrolling on a course somewhere.

This is the total reverse scenario to the old analogue shooters who suddenly found they knew nothing when they tried digital. We had to learn, again.

Or go back to digis on auto.

Just my thoughts.

[Rick A]

Okay-- just stop right where you are, do not move--now, close your eyes and take a deep breath, let it out slowly. Now open your eyes and ask your self--- why did I ever take a photograph? When you answer that, ask-- can I take that course of action again? Can I revisit those impulses and feelings? When I take a snap, is it for the image, or the process involved in making the image?(for me, its the process) for you, I think its the image. How do you get from the idea of an image to a presentable image to display? what ever the answer to the questions, is what you need to do to be happy with photography. maybe its only a brief respite from your cameras, or just from the DR, or all of it, while you find another hobby. If its what you want, it will wait for you to return, if not, well....

Rick

[hmb]

or pick up a simple Holga and just look, see and shoot. enjoy
learning curves kill me...hate them, but of course necessary. just let it be,
H

[photoncatcher]

Seems to me, that you are letting the technical aspects over whelm you. For me, it has always been about the image. Of course I have the advantage (?) of age. I never knew the instant gratification of the digital world untill recently. At your age, we learned the most important tecnical bits, and shot away. Sure I had many rolls of film, both negative, and color transparency that went directly in the trash. Tis at a time when I could hardly afford to waste money, or time. And, there are days, even weeks, when my cameras, and darkroom are idle. If you want to continue shooting film, I think you would be happier with one of the great old auto exposure point, and shoot 35mm cameras. Like the Canonet QL, the Olympus EC, or the venerable Yashica electro 35. One camera, one lens, and built in metering. Then you can get back to the story telling, and the emotional connection to your images. You also may want to find a good lab for your processing. One more pile of technical baggage to leave behind.

[Pinholemaster]

Lighten up. If it isn't fun, don't do it.

[Shaggysk8]

I do think you need to relax maybe take a break for a month or so and come back to it all, there is nothing wrong with doing that.

You can run yourself down about things, god knows I have. It is also good to vent here people would have gone through the same things as you have.

Just enjoy life and your creativity will come back

[Vernon Photo]

Have to agree with photoncatcher.
Ignorance is bliss;) Keep it simple.

[ic-racer]

Just a "Big Picture" comment here. The internet is great in passing along info, but actually getting together with others who can help you or people that let you into their darkroom so you can watch is still very important. Those comments encompas formal and informal teaching of the art and craft.

[2F/2F]

There is a good deal of technical stuff to learn in "serious" photography. It can be a lot to digest, and can distract and slow you. My suggestion is just to practice, practice, practice, as it will come easier in time. Shoot a lot. Print a lot. Getting the technical stuff fluid is actually a lubricant to ideas in the future, once you get past the block of learning it all and how it relates to what you are doing. Just always keep your pix at the forefront of what you are doing. If you are not, you, like most photographers, are just going through the motions, and there is no reason for you to be into photography at all.

[Daniel Lancaster]

There is a good deal of technical stuff to learn in "serious" photography. It can be a lot to digest, and can distract and slow you. My suggestion is just to practice, practice, practice, as it will come easier in time. Shoot a lot. Print a lot. Getting the technical stuff fluid is actually a lubricant to ideas in the future, once you get past the block of learning it all and how it relates to what you are doing. Just always keep your pix at the forefront of what you are doing. If you are not, you, like most photographers, are just going through the motions, and there is no reason for you to be into photography at all.

Nice post.

The most important thing for anyone to do is to start a project. Not a 3 day project but a body of work with a creativity thread that spans a significant portion of time.

Learn technicality through your creativity and during the life cycle of your project. Its not important to be technically 'accurate' throughout the entire organic development and maturity of a project. In fact showing 'growth' throughout a creative project both technically and creatively is often part of the fascination others derive from our work.

Let your technical proficiency blossom from your passion for a project. Use your creative eye, in the relatively narrow context of a project, as your bedrock upon which you anchor yourself.

Dont be afraid to allow others to see your technical journey in your work within a body of work. This is part of the richness people yearn for. Show them you have suffered in the pursuit of the work. It is part of what makes a body of work stand alone.

There is a quote I read quite recently but it escapes me right now but the essence of it was:

"For too many years of my life I was just busy "photographing" when all along I should have been focusing on "living":.

[markbarendt]

The most important thing for anyone to do is to start a project. Not a 3 day project but a body of work with a creativity thread that spans a significant portion of time.

This is great advice.

When I have fun subjects in front of me my photography improves a bunch.


"For too many years of my life I was just busy "photographing" when all along I should have been focusing on "living":.

Also good thought. Go have some fun and break some rules.

[jnanian]

120 format box camera and contact print them.
don't worry about technique ... enjoy yourself
and if you don't enjoy yourself, do something else ?

[Worker 11811]

Do not quit now! I repeat, DO NOT quit! That is an order!

You have hit a bump in your learning curve. Some people even regress at this point. Those who persevere are the ones who become good at their craft. Those who give up end up with nothing but a lot of wasted time and money.

It might not feel like you are doing any good but you are just now getting to the point where you doing some real learning. Work through this and you will come out the other side a better photographer than you ever thought you could be. If you quit now you will throw it all away.

Simply put, this what that separates the men from the boys! ;)

Also, don't throw away film! Images that are destroyed can never be recovered. How do you know that one of those images you destroyed wasn't the one that lets you turn the corner? How do you know if one of those images you destroyed wasn't that one "Million Dollar" photo that makes you famous. So, now, you might miss your 15 minutes of fame because you had a hissy fit and opened your camera to the sun.

Now, you'll never know. Will you?

Even photos you think are crap can end up being good photos later on.
My brother's house burned down He lost everything except a shoebox full of his photos. A lot of them were charred beyond recovery but I was able to save a lot of them. One photo that was lost was a picture of his dog when he was a kid. He was heartbroken to lose that picture. He probably could have lost every other photo in his collection and, if that picture of his dog had survived, he would have been happy.

Well, I took a photo of that dog about 25 years ago. I never thought anything of it because it was a bit out of focus and it was poorly exposed. I might have thrown it away but, luckily, I didn't. I put it in a notebook and kept it in my closet all these years. After the fire, I was going through the piles of photos and I remembered that I had that picture. I got it out, scanned it with my scanner, loaded it into Photoshop and I was able to pull a good image out of that negative. I took the Photoshop file to a local photo lab and had it printed out as an 8 X 10. I framed it and gave it to him for Christmas. After having been burned out of house and home and losing 95% of everything that was ever important to him, that one stupid piece of film that I almost threw away is what turned a sad Christmas into one of the best ones he has ever had.

If I had thrown that film out, this never would have happened!

Don't quit! Don't give up! Don't throw away your film!
You might never become another Ansel Adams but, if you give up, it's a sure thing you never will become a good photographer at all!

[ChrisC]

I've been through this before (I think we all have) and it is hard to get out of. It's frustrating as hell too.

The best thing I can say it just shoot. I picked up a little Olympus MJU-II point and shoot late last year when I was in a bit of a rut, and loaded with a 400 speed B&W film it's such a breath of fresh air. It's just a nice way to shoot with no pressure. Most of the time I hardly use the viewfinder either, which is a huge departure from what/how I normally shoot.

Another thing I've found is just shooting and not focussing on the results. At the moment I've got 11 rolls of exposed and undeveloped film sitting on my desk. It bugs me looking at it, but I'm just focussing on shooting at the moment. I'll deal with the results when I'm ready (hopefully before it gets to 20!). Instead of pulling out your film because you can't bare to look at it, just finish the roll, and put it in a container somewhere out of sight. The urge to deal with what you have inside will come back, but don't let it get you down in the meantime. Just shoot when you have the desire, and the rest will follow.

[keithwms]

decolorante, it sounds like what afflicts you is the photographer's version of "writer's block." It is quite common among anybody who puts thought into their photography, as opposed to machine-gunning everything they see.

First of all, accept that inspiration will come back to you when the time is right. It could be days, months, years, but what you must not do is try to force yourself. It's a creative process and it cannot be forced. Doing that can just add to your frustrations (and it probably contributed to the decline of some of the most creative artists).

I'll differ from Chris' suggestion (and maybe the other Keith's advice too) and say just take a break. Do not just shoot. Instead you might use this time to look at composition from the standpoint of a painter. Let me suggest buying yourself a little sketchpad and simply sketching out the most basic elements of a scene you see or one in your head, just for fun. Think of beautiful abstract shapes or figures or patterns, whatever catches your eye. There is no pressure to photograph it, nor even to accept reality as it is. Just relax and let your thoughts wander wherever they might.

I think Sally Mann explained one aspect of this affliction very nicely. In a film about her work (there is a link to it somewhere here on apug), she stated that photography gets harder and harder as you go, because you evolve and set ever higher standards for yourself (my paraphrase). I think she has it right; once you truly value your process and your originality and know what you're capable of producing, anything less becomes a tremendous frustration. It can even become paralyzing, this level of expectation that you develop.

Just keep the faith that photography will be there for you when the time is right again.

[phenix]

Looks like you are at the teenage crisis of your artistic life. At the childhood you looked for content around you, and were happy discovering the world with a simple digicam. Curiosity brought you to look to the pinhole of a camera, and discovered this was so new and desirable, so you discovered love and with it you entered the early teenage of your artistic life. You learned technical issues like a student in a class, and after practicing you realized you lost the content of your pictures. But you are just on the threshold of a new stage: the maturity. The most valuable advice you’ve got here (IMO, of course) comes from Daniel Lancaster: don’t look for content around you, like in the childhood, but create it, start working by projects. You might need to take a short brake to readjust to this new paradigm, take your time but don’t desert in front of the evolution – would be a huge loss.

Well, later you’ll reach another crisis, the midlife one, when you’ll doubt of all you told (create) in your work during the mature age. I believe this is a much dangerous crisis than that of the teenage. What I think it happens at this second threshold, is something similar to the transit from the Newtonian physics to the Einsteinian one(s): realizing the universe is different than what everybody think it is. While possibly being successful with the mature body of work, the artist risks now to be misunderstood, disliked, and eventually marginalized. And everyone would ask him: “Why did you abandon your mature style, why did you do this while having so much success?”… and so one. What I say here is not in reference to me and my work, because I came to the analog photography simultaneously with the midlife crisis, so I have no mature body of work. But I’ve seen it to other artists. Anyway, this has no interest for you at this moment, nor does it for the next 10~20 years from no one. For the moment go with the projects (like Daniel Lancaster advised you), and look for content into yourself.

[Craig Swensson]

decolorante, exellent post and you sure have got some great replies so i will not repeat any - except to say, you sound just like that guy Mozart:cool:
regards

[Hexavalent]

Looks like you are at the teenage crisis of your artistic life

I can sooooo relate! I have several 'second childhoods', mid-life's, re-births and end-of-terms per month.
After returning to photography and alt-process to fill the void left by not playing music (due to extreme frustration), I have found that the same frustrations are still there, but now in a visual rather than audible form.
There have been so many wonderful suggestions given in this thread, it has reminded me that sometimes I need to forget about 'process' and 'results' and just 'Be'

cheers

[Mike1234]

You seem to be nearing the top of the "bell curve". Just push that last little bit. You'll reach the apex and it'll be a much easier downhill journey to photographic nirvana. :)