Can't handle photography anymore (rant to self)

[decolorante]

I have been registered to APUG for some time, lurking all the forums and learning huge lots of information from everyone here (thanks very much to all of you!). But I never stepped up to write something myself. I simply didn't feel qualified to give advice, and afraid to ask something already asked.

So this is the first time I write here, because the problem I have right now doesn't deal with dilutions, agitation, films, contrast control or stuff like that. It deals with my mind. I hope I'll find someone who was where I am now and managed to get out of it.

Once upon a time I was an happy boy, running around with my $120 consumer compact digital camera, taking pictures of what I wanted. I have always had the "eye" for composition and emotional value of depicted scenes, so even if I had zero knowledge about photography my pictures were superior compared to those made by others at my level. I was very happy with them and showed them to my friends, published them wherever I could. I knew I had no serious skills, but it didn't matter: I was content with that. People enjoyed my pictures because they were full of emotions and meanings.

I discovered traditional photography out of scientific curiosity: the finding of an article on pinhole cameras got me started. I just couldn't believe that photographs were printed like this, "back in the days"! I got a pack of expired photo-paper for a good price from a local store, built a simple wooden camera and had fun with it.

From that to roll film, the step was short. I learned and learned, I got a Bronica, I got an enlarger, I started printing seriously. At first my prints were really bad, but it didn't matter. Like when I had my $120 consumer digicam, I was happy that I could `tell stories` with my images and people would `listen` because they actually liked what they saw. I had a theme and a message, and I made images that conveyed them.

But as I continued learning more and more, and as I became better and better at printing, I got in the awful situation where I find myself now.

My images don't talk anymore. I have no more ideas. My creativity is dead since I have been involved in the vast world of the technical bits of photography. I can't focus on content: therefore my pictures are devoid of any significance- and moreover, I am never happy with their technical quality, which is what I (wrongly) aim for.

Every roll I develop makes me wonder why I shot it in the first place. Sometimes I just freak out and unroll them in bright sunlight without even trying to process them. Every print demolishes my self-esteem to a greater extent. I am now ashamed of showing my images to friends, even if photographers that I respect have told me that I am very good and much better than before. I don't believe them. Each frame shows me that I lack in something. I am totally cursed by the will of finding the `definitive workflow` that works for me, and that will magically allow me to focus on content again. And I never manage to!

There is so much to care about! The bits here and there, that I wasn't even able to see when I first started. Oh why, why did I step into this world of technicality? Why can't I be just happy by religiously following the manufacturer's specifications? Why can't I just pick up any film the store has and be okay with it?

I don't enjoy photography anymore but I can't avoid doing it, it's like a craving. It takes up almost all my time, and my photos make no sense. I don't have a portfolio because I eventually rip and toss all my prints: I can't convince myself that they are any good. I end up frustrated and stressed day after day.

Oh, I can't believe I wrote that- but it is true. Yes, photography is a pain for me. It makes me suffer. I have the dream that someday I will be so technically good that I could embrace creativity again, and this gives me the energy to keep hitting my head on the wall again and again...

Why can't that dream just die? If it did, I could simply drop photography and pick up some other hobby. I mean, I wasn't going to be a real photographer anyway.

Sorry. I acknowledge this post is useless. But I had to tell someone, I just couldn't keep it for myself anymore.

Please forgive me.

[Sim2]

Once upon a time I was an happy boy, running around with my $120 consumer compact digital camera, taking pictures of what I wanted. I have always had the "eye" for composition and emotional value of depicted scenes, so even if I had zero knowledge about photography

Please forgive me.

First off, welcome to the forums.

You didn't know anything technical before, you don't know anything technical now - what has changed?

You are, unfortunately, on a classic learning curve.

Unconcious incompetence - the person is unaware of what they don't know.
Concious imcompetence - the person is aware of what they don't know.
Concious competence - the person is aware & has to think of what they now know.
Unconcious competence – the person is unaware of having to think about what they now know.

You are trying a different branch or style of picture taking, of which you know little. Of course it will be difficult and frustrating - most learning is. The technical side is best learnt, might be a case of swallowing your pride and enrolling on a course somewhere.

This is the total reverse scenario to the old analogue shooters who suddenly found they knew nothing when they tried digital. We had to learn, again.

Or go back to digis on auto.

Just my thoughts.

[Rick A]

Okay-- just stop right where you are, do not move--now, close your eyes and take a deep breath, let it out slowly. Now open your eyes and ask your self--- why did I ever take a photograph? When you answer that, ask-- can I take that course of action again? Can I revisit those impulses and feelings? When I take a snap, is it for the image, or the process involved in making the image?(for me, its the process) for you, I think its the image. How do you get from the idea of an image to a presentable image to display? what ever the answer to the questions, is what you need to do to be happy with photography. maybe its only a brief respite from your cameras, or just from the DR, or all of it, while you find another hobby. If its what you want, it will wait for you to return, if not, well....

Rick

[hmb]

or pick up a simple Holga and just look, see and shoot. enjoy
learning curves kill me...hate them, but of course necessary. just let it be,
H

[photoncatcher]

Seems to me, that you are letting the technical aspects over whelm you. For me, it has always been about the image. Of course I have the advantage (?) of age. I never knew the instant gratification of the digital world untill recently. At your age, we learned the most important tecnical bits, and shot away. Sure I had many rolls of film, both negative, and color transparency that went directly in the trash. Tis at a time when I could hardly afford to waste money, or time. And, there are days, even weeks, when my cameras, and darkroom are idle. If you want to continue shooting film, I think you would be happier with one of the great old auto exposure point, and shoot 35mm cameras. Like the Canonet QL, the Olympus EC, or the venerable Yashica electro 35. One camera, one lens, and built in metering. Then you can get back to the story telling, and the emotional connection to your images. You also may want to find a good lab for your processing. One more pile of technical baggage to leave behind.

[Pinholemaster]

Lighten up. If it isn't fun, don't do it.

[Shaggysk8]

I do think you need to relax maybe take a break for a month or so and come back to it all, there is nothing wrong with doing that.

You can run yourself down about things, god knows I have. It is also good to vent here people would have gone through the same things as you have.

Just enjoy life and your creativity will come back

[Vernon Photo]

Have to agree with photoncatcher.
Ignorance is bliss Keep it simple.

[ic-racer]

Just a "Big Picture" comment here. The internet is great in passing along info, but actually getting together with others who can help you or people that let you into their darkroom so you can watch is still very important. Those comments encompas formal and informal teaching of the art and craft.

[2F/2F]

There is a good deal of technical stuff to learn in "serious" photography. It can be a lot to digest, and can distract and slow you. My suggestion is just to practice, practice, practice, as it will come easier in time. Shoot a lot. Print a lot. Getting the technical stuff fluid is actually a lubricant to ideas in the future, once you get past the block of learning it all and how it relates to what you are doing. Just always keep your pix at the forefront of what you are doing. If you are not, you, like most photographers, are just going through the motions, and there is no reason for you to be into photography at all.