Sorry to hear about your problems. Are you sure it's the film+developer combo itself, though?
Ilford Delta 100 in XTOL 1+1 is the only thing I've ever used, and I've never had any problem with it. No sudden death or anything questionable at all.
Basically, I follow a personalized version of Kodak's recommended agitation technique: A) 3 initial inversions, and then I let the tank sit for the remainder of the first 30 seconds B) after the first 30 seconds, 3 more inversions and then C) 3 inversions every 30 seconds thereafter.
In side-by-side comparisons, I find the film+developer combo sharper than my $3,000+ Nikon DSLR system. I've never seen any obvious grain. Plus, I get far better dynamic range -- especially in the highlights. I've even rated it at EI 125 (and sometimes EI 160), developed it for 9 minutes at 68F and I still get more shadow detail than I want.
I wish I could compare it to T-Max and print it really big to do my own comparisons. But, unfortunately, I just don't have the equipment to do so.