Thanks to all of you for these wise words. I'm very gratified to find this forum where the interior tumult is not shunned. I have in the past brought up conflicting thoughts to other more materials oriented sites and the hatred of going near doubt set them off like a flock of ducks.

To be honest I am in the regretful fifities now, and have seen alot of oppourtunity pass me by. I indulged my inner whims ( and outer party animal ) maybe a little too much, so what you have here now is whats known as overcompensation. I still feel that I " coulda been a contenda " instead of a bum.... "

We're not all called, not all aggressively competitive, not all filled with a mission to show others our critical cause. Myself, I just love photography, and I'm still struggling to understand that thats enough. I admire too much the work of others, then use it to bash my head in. Tragically stupid, but the result of having blown an education, and a thousand chances in NY, LA, Seattle, and everywhere in between. Pardon me if this is tooooo sad, but
I really need to get to the next level and accept where I am. I appreciate your thoughts very much.